MY FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF

*inspired by 50/50 movie I used to watch with my dearest friends while they were watching, I was fallen to sleep, but.. I did grasp the gist of that boring movie of that cute-y Joseph Gordon-Levitt*

Hi there!

So, it's like about seven days i'm here, in this island already, felt so isolated and uprooted from my old life.

*gasp!*

Up to this day, I've been up to my denial stage, anger stage, bargaining stage, and depression stage.. my cycle of grief is almost completed, because now.. I think I'm in the acceptace stage.

But, NO! The war is NOT over!! My brain's still spinning fast behind my damped eyes! I still want to get back home.

So, talking about my cycle of grief.. I would like to spill out my memories on those hard days I have been through.

Why do I need to write it here anyway? Maybe some of you will think that there is no use to put on your bad feelings such as grief but to me it is important!! Our grief is as individual as our lives. It's unique! So if I don't write it, carve it in this hopefully-immortal-blog, I will probably regret it one day.

Denial

Based on Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, this first stage of grieving helps us to survive the loss, which in my case is.. loss of friends and my past beautiful live.

As Elisabeth Kübler-Ross pointed out, in this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming.  Once I got my SK (sentenced letter stated that I need to be transferred) life makes no sense at all. I went numb. I didn't do my work fully hearted. I was just like a zombie. I came to office, I did my job, I ignored people.

I wondered how I can go on, if I can go on, why I should go on.

Anger

Then I felt anger, which was underneath my anger there was pain. I felt deserted and abandoned. At first when I came to this island, felt like being lost at sea: no connection to anything or anyone.

Then I got angry at someone, well, at this point I angry at mostly to the internet connection. It is SUCKS!!!

I rememberred how every nightI shed tears in this empty room, ugh! It still feels empty though now..

Bargaining

Not long time ago, and even NOW, it seems like I will do anything if only I could back to a place where my good friends and families are there.

I'm still bargaining with God on every prayer I do five times a day, begging for mercy so I could returned to Jakarta, or even Bandung.

Depression
 
My depression times was those days seven days before today. I used to cry a lot. I used to feel so desperate and want to escape. Those days when I bragged to my friends asking them for a help. Even now.. sometimes I still do that.

Acceptance

This stage is NOW. It's about accepting the reality that I have to live here for a couple of months and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality.

I learnt to live with it. This is the time when I get used to wash my clothes by myself with my bare hands. This is the time when I started to shop for grocerries and learnt how to cook rice. This is the time when I made brave of myself to approach those people I need to write about.

I still haven't found the beauty of this place. But one thing I know for sure:
  
life's getting better when I stop complaining..