adjust

A friend said:
The only way I can survive is to live it. And the only way to live is to adjust. And I asked, how long will it take for me to adjust, he said.. for the rest of your life. Life is about to adjust.. and I agree. But I miss this friend a lot. *sigh*

my new door and window, it's white!

and I cook my own food

smile with Budha.. give me some strenght!! *look at my damp hair, here's sooo hoottt!! for those who r judgemental about my new look, should really try to live here, unless.. SHUT UPP!!

the only beauty is the sky..

MY FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF

*inspired by 50/50 movie I used to watch with my dearest friends while they were watching, I was fallen to sleep, but.. I did grasp the gist of that boring movie of that cute-y Joseph Gordon-Levitt*

Hi there!

So, it's like about seven days i'm here, in this island already, felt so isolated and uprooted from my old life.

*gasp!*

Up to this day, I've been up to my denial stage, anger stage, bargaining stage, and depression stage.. my cycle of grief is almost completed, because now.. I think I'm in the acceptace stage.

But, NO! The war is NOT over!! My brain's still spinning fast behind my damped eyes! I still want to get back home.

So, talking about my cycle of grief.. I would like to spill out my memories on those hard days I have been through.

Why do I need to write it here anyway? Maybe some of you will think that there is no use to put on your bad feelings such as grief but to me it is important!! Our grief is as individual as our lives. It's unique! So if I don't write it, carve it in this hopefully-immortal-blog, I will probably regret it one day.

Denial

Based on Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, this first stage of grieving helps us to survive the loss, which in my case is.. loss of friends and my past beautiful live.

As Elisabeth Kübler-Ross pointed out, in this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming.  Once I got my SK (sentenced letter stated that I need to be transferred) life makes no sense at all. I went numb. I didn't do my work fully hearted. I was just like a zombie. I came to office, I did my job, I ignored people.

I wondered how I can go on, if I can go on, why I should go on.

Anger

Then I felt anger, which was underneath my anger there was pain. I felt deserted and abandoned. At first when I came to this island, felt like being lost at sea: no connection to anything or anyone.

Then I got angry at someone, well, at this point I angry at mostly to the internet connection. It is SUCKS!!!

I rememberred how every nightI shed tears in this empty room, ugh! It still feels empty though now..

Bargaining

Not long time ago, and even NOW, it seems like I will do anything if only I could back to a place where my good friends and families are there.

I'm still bargaining with God on every prayer I do five times a day, begging for mercy so I could returned to Jakarta, or even Bandung.

Depression
 
My depression times was those days seven days before today. I used to cry a lot. I used to feel so desperate and want to escape. Those days when I bragged to my friends asking them for a help. Even now.. sometimes I still do that.

Acceptance

This stage is NOW. It's about accepting the reality that I have to live here for a couple of months and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality.

I learnt to live with it. This is the time when I get used to wash my clothes by myself with my bare hands. This is the time when I started to shop for grocerries and learnt how to cook rice. This is the time when I made brave of myself to approach those people I need to write about.

I still haven't found the beauty of this place. But one thing I know for sure:
  
life's getting better when I stop complaining..

Life's worth trying!

A whatsapp chat with one of my best friends:


Dearest friend, when you are not in my position.. It's easy to say this and that.

Those craps about surviving tips were neatly popped up on my mobile phone screen, they were dripping out of your fingers from that far away and comfortable place surrounded with people you love.. 

But when you are really put in my position, will those words still make any sense, to you?

I know maybe I'm too much complaining, making such a fuss of living in a distance, but then you're all responding, so I get pampered and carried away.

I don't need to be pampered. I just need to be listened. *Well, sometimes I need it also, but.. What am I trying to say is..

It's difficult to forget what I had once in my past life, and for a certain point, it's not easy to not comparing between my past and present.

Moreover, it's super hard to not play victim, when in fact, I AM A VICTIM!

I'm now trying to cherish my present life. I do what I can, but that's all. I will not give pleasure to those who did this to me by working in blood and sweat for things they will not appreciate.

I really don't know if it is the right or wrong choice act, but.. Life's worth trying. If I'm making a mistake then I have to make it right. That is the point of being alive. Do mistakes, and find a way to make it better!!!

No matter what.. I'm so lucky having you. And glad couple months ago I moved in that house with you.
With your story and sorry, you remind me how to live. I love you sunflower girl.

Ugh, I really need a hug now :(((

hello goodbye!

Hi..

So, finally, here I am, in the land of "tin and white pepper" (as one of my friends referred to).. Actually, I would like to post this story as soon as possible but the provider*) for my internet connection did not make it possible for me to post this story as a flash news, ok.. so..

Bangka Island..

It's not as terrified as I've ever imagined. It's just.. another small town with pleasant people and hot weather.

Here goes my story..

That was the last nite of my stay in Jakarta. In that small room 2 by 3 squares. It was stuffed and fulled but by happiness and toghetherness I felt with my best friends slash brothers and sisters.

At that nite, Mona and me just lay on bed quitely. As usual, we just sit there side by side being bussied with our own mobile phone chatting with other people on those small screens tech savvy devices.

Though, I felt that nite..
Even we both just be quite, our soul talked to each other. We made silent conversation which is understood by heart of only Mona and me.

We have been being friend in a very short moment, but I felt very attached to this orange girl a lot.

That nite, was quite same as the day we first went out to cover news together during our susdape. We did not talk much to each other.

But, that day, we were quite because we did not know what to do. We barely known each other, and me.. I was still guessing about what was on that girl's mind. She was being so immersed and dreamy..

While that nite. I felt a bliss.
I gave up to my faith *in a good sense!* I surrender not to retreat but to fight back with maximum power I have in me.

And so.. sudenly, Mona rushed out the room downstairs

"Azi's here!" she shouted half running through the stairs.

And I was like.. "What?? At 11? What's in her mind???"

Then.. she showed up, in front of my door. Azi!

"Surprised!!" She said with grin. A box of dunkin donuts and a present wrapped in glossy pink paper were on her arms.

Citro, my other friend stood up behind her.
His eyes were red and he smelled like nite wind.

I was speechless, Mona shrugged her shoulders.

"What are you guys doing?" I said.

So I let them in.

They jumped to my bed..

I opened my present then I closed it again. Azi said I should open once I am in Bangka.

So, we ate the donuts and share our stories.

******************************************************************

Nite went late.

Azi and Citro disappeared. Mona said good nite. Adit was still at office as he was on duty that nite.

Then.. morning came too soon. My friends and families woke me up. They called me in turn to remind me I had a flight today.

So, I slugishly went to shower. Cold water freshed me up.
Mona already woke up, I passed her room, she bussied on herlaptop, I let her be.

I back to my room and get ready for the last time. And so Mona called me from her room and I joined her. It was about 8, she still bussy writing, and I snuggled beside her reading Hunger Games novel then i fell asleep.

Long story short..

Adit went up Mona's room brought me a brown paper bag.

"For you," he said playfully. "So that you can be a master," he said when I pulled out a box of poker card.

And again, I was speechless. One by one, my friends keep on surprising me with their love.

So, we went down. Adit dragged my huge lugage. Mona carried my bag. And again, how I really wanted to hug those two lovely people.

*******************************************************************

In a taxi is the longest an hour and a half journey we had. The traffic was stressing and the three of us were starving to death. We didn't have anything to eat since last nite, not even a drop of water.

*******************************************************************

And there were we.. at the terminal gate.
Mona took off her favorite scarf and hanged that green tribal printed scarfon my shuddering neck.

"Mona?" I asked unbelievably. I meant, it's not like that I don't think Mona is generous lady, but.. I know she really loves that scarf, she wears that almost every single day. I know. She loves that scarf a lot.

"For a good luck," she said charmingly.

Then we hugged and she cried. Her wide eyes filled with tears.
And so Adit too hugged me.

"I need a proper hug," he said smiling.

"Ugh! Of course we are all need a proper hug," I said in my heart.

Then we hugged and took some pictures.

My two besties.. Miss them so much right now.

Proper hug.

My mind wasn;t there when adit took this pict. That's why it looked weird.

I kept on looking at them while stepping into the entering airport gate. If only I could turn back time, I would love to be their friends forever.

*******************************************************************

And so the plane is landed.

The cabin is so fulled. Seems like people never grab what society called "neat" and "discipline".

But finally I could escape that chaos.

I walked into the lugages counter. Took my stuff and strolled out of the airport.

There.. My boss was waiting.

"Hi Ida," he said smiling, his hands are harsh when shaking mine. His face was stern and dark but his eyes shines so brightly and warm. I know he is a good man.

He dropped me in a small hotel.

The room was creepy, smelly and uncomfortable..

I was a little bit worried but then he called me on phone after leaving.

"Ida, you change your room, ask the recepsionist." He said, and so I did.

Here are my impression about the city for the first time:

1.
2.
3.
4.


Ok, I'm too tired now, i'll put picts and the list later on










*)about that terrible provider, I would like to write about it later.

my baby: dude mamang

My cute baby... I miss you.. Lookie those heart-warming smile and clear eyes you have.. Really wanna make you a doll and keep it for my self, nyahahaaa..

MY REVIEW: Midnight in Paris

Midnight in Paris.

Sigh..

Yeah, this was my first response after seeing this movie. It was such a sweet movie. It was just the way I want it to be on the fantasy movie about my literary idol.

Ugh, common, it's not only Gil Pender who dreamed to meet F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemingway, Gertrude Stein, T.S. Eliot, and even Pablo Picasso, or Salvador Dali.

Me too have always been dreaming to be transported to Paris in the 1920s, an era I wish I were now living on.

Well, to me, living in Paris in the era of 20s is not my only dream.

I used to dream I can be transported to the magical world of Harry Potter and be his third adventorous friends *seems like Hermione need other girl support, hehe..*

Ok, or, far before that, I also used to dream I could live among those neat houses in Doraemon story setting. Having that tech savvy slash fantasy cat robot and could get anything I wish for.

My other dream is that.. I could be among The Beatles boys in the era of 60s, where Ringo Starr was still looked like this:

instead of this:

Ok, the point is..

This movie is awessooomeeeee!!
*check out how many 'o' and 'e' i put on it :D*

I don't know.. but I felt some kind of emotional connections with, Gil Pender, the fictional character in the movie.

I meant, watching the movie, I can project myself as Gil. Just like Gil, I love 20s era, especially in Europe. I love the music, the buildings, the literature, and how people dressed in that year.

Watching Gil felt like I was looking through a mirror. Just like me, Gil has always been confused!

Almost like me, Gil is struggling to finish his first novel, and me.. I've been always wanting to start my second, hehe..

Like me, Gil loves antique shop and walking in the rain. He likes nostalgia.. and me too.

    "Nostalgia is denial - denial of the painful present... the name for this denial is golden age thinking - the erroneous notion that a different time period is better than the one ones living in - its a flaw in the romantic imagination of those people who find it difficult to cope with the present."

Whatever, called it denial, but I love to cherrish the old memories, that is maybe one of thousands reasons why I write this blog :D

Because of this character of mine, a long time ago when I was kid *and up to now* my elder sist called me the HOBO PRINCESS, because I keep on collecting tokens from activities which I considered priceless such as movie theater tickets, ribbons from presents wrap, paper bill from shoppings and many more things that make my sist got on her nerves, LOL

And another thing Gil and I like to do is..

Getting soaked wet while walking in the rain..

But, meh! in Jakarta, you can not do that unless you want to get rusted by the acid rain. One day, I HAVE TO DO THIS!!

..really like to watch this movie again and again..

see u when I see you part II:

happy wedding Lintang

inside the moving window

another alice philoshopy

this is what i feel every single day..

the middle

“Live right now. Just be yourself. It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough for someone else.”
— Jimmy Eat World (lyrics)

Bakso!

As I posted before, I like bakso. Well, not really like. I only "like", but not that much.

I meant, once and awhile I eat it when my mood is good for that. Because.. whenever I eat bakso, it leave me bad aftertaste. Just like this one.

This is another my favorite bakso cafe. It's called "Bakso Semar". Bakso is meatball, basically, it is made of beef meat mixed with wheat flour. It is served with beef stalk soup. But, in bakso Semar, what makes it special is.. the ribs!! Yeah, it's so yummy! Hmm.. not really, because it's too much "beef-ey" so it gives me bad feeling like nausea after eat it. I don't know why.
 
But for those who are fans of bakso, ylu should try this Bakso Semar in Cihampelas street in Bandung, only with Rp15.000, you'll be satisfied.

making news tv

Here are some highlights on what me and my friends were doing during the tv journo class. We invaded the studio and made chaos, muwahahaaaa.. seriously, we were having fun there. Even we had to travel by train about 30 minutes every single day and gotta to go back home always late like 10 or 11, but we did enjoy it.

Some of us, at that time, agreed to not to be enthusiastic to participate this course program because most of us don't like tv journalism, and furthermore.. we don't like our tv department in our office.

However, we really couldn't loose our selves. Although we were complaining all the time, still, we did our best. Some friends even received praise from the seniors tv journo such as Rosiana Silalahi.

And now.. none of us, luckily, get into that department

stucked

Back on my susdape, course before get in to the real job, me and my colleague's friends were sent to join tv journo news program in Depok, Indonesian University. In order to get there, we had to take train for about 30 minutes from a station near our home. One day, we were so tired and finished the course late, then we caught the last train.

At that time, the weather wasn't quite nice, thunder and rough wind beat the stratosphere. Then, once of my friend jinxed, he said in that kind of weather, the train could get stucked due to the electrical problem. And that was it!

So the train stopped. The door was locked and the air conditioner inside the train could not be turned off. It was soooo cold, we were shivering and tried to stick close together to get warm. Outside heavy rain poured down. So, in order to kill the time, we took some photographs, we got in there for about four hours.

Bebeb got shivered.

View from upside, hi sunflower!

There he goes, Pikachu!

Yeah, it is soooo cooollld inside. To think about it again, it's creepy.

Shivered but stylish still!

Stick together so you won't get cold!

We made this as if we were group band took a shot for poster or something :D

This was a set up shot, the boys said it must be looked like boys band pose in front of those CD covers, LOL

from bandung with love

After seven months of course.. we decided to have a fling. And there we are, we went to my hometown, Bandung!! There were a little bit argument before we left, but it ended with a happy ending.

We were in the car off to Bandung.

The girls in front of BIP mall.

Tea garden pose..

Yea, say AHHH

Here's the twilight on Cipularang toll

Chillin on the tea garden, we turned adit into Budha like

spirit for Indonesia!!

This is one of those nights we spent together in Jakarta during our susdape time. This is the tidy place of Vicky. We watched football match, we lose the game but we were cheered!

QUOTE OF THE MINUTE

“Kehidupan ini seimbang, Tuan. Barangsiapa hanya memandang pada keceriannya saja, dia orang gila. Barangsiapa memandang pada penderitaannya saja, dia sakit.

(Anak Semua Bangsa, h. 199)”
― Pramoedya Ananta Toer

besties

Friends..
to me they means everything.
Basically, I'm one of those girls who goes to the bathroom with other girls, I really can't be alone.
I need support of others in doing things.
I know how it sounds like for a girl with a profession like me.. I can't be dependent, I know.
Being independent, as I think it all over again, means being smart.
Smart in seeing people.
Not all people are good.
And unfortunately, I have bad habit to see good things in everyone, and plus, I can be curious so easily so I cannot help myself sometimes..

But luckily, these girls are really good people. I can always count on them for support, and escort me to the bathroom perhaps, hihi..

Mamah and me.. lookie the big frames she has, she said it can elevate her confident. She even quoted me: "Now I know why those girls look more stylish with glasses, it's all because the frames save them." -____-''

Panda, cute outfit always!