..and i finally came to a conclusion that human are naturally selfish, egocentric.. and up to how we could manage that natural instinct is what make us different from one another.
Yes, again, living here is driving me crazy. I feel like I'm losing myself being here, day by day.. and to keep on writing keeping my sanity intact.
The last few days of September 2012 making me depressed to the maximum point. Maybe it was because of hot weather, maybe it was because how people treated me, or maybe.. maybe, it was because of me. It doesn't matter.
I remembered how I took three sleeping pills at once one night. That was the darkest moment of my life. And I promise myself will never do that again. It was horrible.
I don't know what went wrong in my mind that night, all I could remember is I wanted to skip my life here. I wanted to sleep and being numb until the day someone wake me up and say: YOU ARE NOW SAVE!
But life doesn't go that way. Never! Our life's in our hands. We are responsible to draw our own map lines. And I can't just give up before I finish my draw.
But the thing is.. I'm losing my compass. My "north" seems to get more and more blurry... all of the promises people have ever said to me seems just like fading away. And if so, what more can I believe?
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Emre and the moon
"for a friend with laugh.."
A long-long time ago in a land called Hugsville lived a boy named Emre. He was such a lovely boy but quite a loner. Every night, since he was a little, he liked to gaze at the moon through his room's window as if waiting for someone or something to come down from that silver moon.
He used to gaze the moon with his dog, Amos. He had it since he was nine, now, when Emre was 22 years old, Amos was already old and slow but very loyal to Emre to accompany him every nite.
In one particular night, as usual Emre and was again on his window gazing at the moon hanging on the bright starry night sky. The old Amos sat on the floor next to his feet.
Then a little dot far in the moon was blinking. Emre did not notice it at first, but then the dot is getting bigger and the blink is getting brighter.
"What is that? Look Amos!!" Emre half shouted in his surprise. He kept on astonishingly waiting for that bright dot to come nearer.
Amos got up and barked full of enthusiasm.
Not too long, that shiny thing was coming down closer to Emre. Emre closed his eyes dazzled by the shine.
"Salutations, you kind earth dwellers, I notice you mesmerizing on our Luna day by day, tell I what troubles you mind?" asked the bright thing almost like a mix of soft whispers and sweet chant.
Still in his astonishment, Emre said he was bored with his life. He wanted to be someone else.
"I'm ugly and boring. No one like to be around me. I want to end all of this or being someone else," Emre whimpered.
"Very well then, will you join I to our Luna? There, all like you," said the bright thing.
"Your Luna?" asked Emre perplexed.
"Yes, the moon as you call it," The thing replied.
"Woof!" Amos barked. The lights took him and he turned silent.
Emre paused a moment. He considered the offer for a while. He Thought he had nothing to loose in his life to accept the invitation. He really thought his life was miserable.
"Yes, I will come with you." Emre said.
Then off they went. Emre half forgot his journey to the moon. He remembered he suddenly covered with warm lights and his body became as light as a feather.
***
Emre opened his eyes as his two feet felt the solid ground. Everything he saw was silvery but not in dazzling way. It was warm silver.
Amos was next to him but in silent.
"Welcome to our Luna. I Anunari Chy," said the bright thing that is now not bright anymore.
She turned into a brown skin girl with dark long hair and a very dark chocolate eyes. Her look was peculiar but Emre felt he had never been seen anything more beautiful than she was.
"I know you bewildered. But here we. We not bright and silver as you think always. We brown," Said Anunari.
Emre sharpen his sight and looked around, Anunari was right, all were not silver but brown. His eyes tricked him.
"Is it all because of the sun light?" Emre asked.
"Correct. The sun shines his rays and make all look silvery, but if you look closer, it is all browny," Anunari explained.
"What? You think brown is no good?" Anunari asked.
"NO!" Emre disapproved quickly, "you are beautiful," he said shyly.
***
Days went by, Emre and Amos were so happy being in the moon. All were nice to him. He felt accepted by the moon dwellers. But then he thought, what was all that different with his old life on Hugsville?
"It is all a matter of the way we think it. Just like the moon, it will be silver if we think it is silver, but when we look closer, it is actually brown," Emre said.
"You learned you lesson, finally, so what do you want now?" Anunari asked smilingly.
"I want to go home," said Emre. "I understand now, I feel I'm un-like-d not because that I think I'm ugly, but it is all because I don't let people to get a closer look on me, and so am I, I never try to look closer on people," said Emre.
"Good. I will take you home now," said Anunari.
"But.. but will I ever see you again? I really want to see you ag---"
Before Emre could finish his words, he already felt the same warm as he went up the moon.
***
In one lovely morning in the Hugsville, Emre woke up in his bed when Amos barked and licked his face.
He remembered all the days he spent on the moon, but his last conversation with Anunari felt like a dream.
Emre reluctantly walked to his window. He opened the window and looked up to the pale morning sky. Wish Anunari could see him and wave or something.
But Emre saw nothing. It was only grey morning sky.
"Hi, Hello!! Hey!! You, up there! You want to buy my bread?" asked someone down the street.
Emre looked down and saw a brown skin girl with long dark braided hair waving and smiling to him.
Emre could not help but smile. His heart was suddenly fulfilled with warmness he long for.
"It is her, Amos, it is her!," he said.
A long-long time ago in a land called Hugsville lived a boy named Emre. He was such a lovely boy but quite a loner. Every night, since he was a little, he liked to gaze at the moon through his room's window as if waiting for someone or something to come down from that silver moon.
He used to gaze the moon with his dog, Amos. He had it since he was nine, now, when Emre was 22 years old, Amos was already old and slow but very loyal to Emre to accompany him every nite.
In one particular night, as usual Emre and was again on his window gazing at the moon hanging on the bright starry night sky. The old Amos sat on the floor next to his feet.
Then a little dot far in the moon was blinking. Emre did not notice it at first, but then the dot is getting bigger and the blink is getting brighter.
"What is that? Look Amos!!" Emre half shouted in his surprise. He kept on astonishingly waiting for that bright dot to come nearer.
Amos got up and barked full of enthusiasm.
Not too long, that shiny thing was coming down closer to Emre. Emre closed his eyes dazzled by the shine.
"Salutations, you kind earth dwellers, I notice you mesmerizing on our Luna day by day, tell I what troubles you mind?" asked the bright thing almost like a mix of soft whispers and sweet chant.
Still in his astonishment, Emre said he was bored with his life. He wanted to be someone else.
"I'm ugly and boring. No one like to be around me. I want to end all of this or being someone else," Emre whimpered.
"Very well then, will you join I to our Luna? There, all like you," said the bright thing.
"Your Luna?" asked Emre perplexed.
"Yes, the moon as you call it," The thing replied.
"Woof!" Amos barked. The lights took him and he turned silent.
Emre paused a moment. He considered the offer for a while. He Thought he had nothing to loose in his life to accept the invitation. He really thought his life was miserable.
"Yes, I will come with you." Emre said.
Then off they went. Emre half forgot his journey to the moon. He remembered he suddenly covered with warm lights and his body became as light as a feather.
***
Emre opened his eyes as his two feet felt the solid ground. Everything he saw was silvery but not in dazzling way. It was warm silver.
Amos was next to him but in silent.
"Welcome to our Luna. I Anunari Chy," said the bright thing that is now not bright anymore.
She turned into a brown skin girl with dark long hair and a very dark chocolate eyes. Her look was peculiar but Emre felt he had never been seen anything more beautiful than she was.
"I know you bewildered. But here we. We not bright and silver as you think always. We brown," Said Anunari.
Emre sharpen his sight and looked around, Anunari was right, all were not silver but brown. His eyes tricked him.
"Is it all because of the sun light?" Emre asked.
"Correct. The sun shines his rays and make all look silvery, but if you look closer, it is all browny," Anunari explained.
"What? You think brown is no good?" Anunari asked.
"NO!" Emre disapproved quickly, "you are beautiful," he said shyly.
***
Days went by, Emre and Amos were so happy being in the moon. All were nice to him. He felt accepted by the moon dwellers. But then he thought, what was all that different with his old life on Hugsville?
"It is all a matter of the way we think it. Just like the moon, it will be silver if we think it is silver, but when we look closer, it is actually brown," Emre said.
"You learned you lesson, finally, so what do you want now?" Anunari asked smilingly.
"I want to go home," said Emre. "I understand now, I feel I'm un-like-d not because that I think I'm ugly, but it is all because I don't let people to get a closer look on me, and so am I, I never try to look closer on people," said Emre.
"Good. I will take you home now," said Anunari.
"But.. but will I ever see you again? I really want to see you ag---"
Before Emre could finish his words, he already felt the same warm as he went up the moon.
***
In one lovely morning in the Hugsville, Emre woke up in his bed when Amos barked and licked his face.
He remembered all the days he spent on the moon, but his last conversation with Anunari felt like a dream.
Emre reluctantly walked to his window. He opened the window and looked up to the pale morning sky. Wish Anunari could see him and wave or something.
But Emre saw nothing. It was only grey morning sky.
"Hi, Hello!! Hey!! You, up there! You want to buy my bread?" asked someone down the street.
Emre looked down and saw a brown skin girl with long dark braided hair waving and smiling to him.
Emre could not help but smile. His heart was suddenly fulfilled with warmness he long for.
"It is her, Amos, it is her!," he said.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
I would blindly believe..
Last nite, due to some arguments we had, you said to me that I would
really blindly belief if you tell me there's millions of stars in the
sky.
At that time, I really wanted to reply you with anything smart and hurtful and true. But in the state of sleepiness and little bit upset, I couldn't find anything to say.. I just let it went by. It slipped like a withered leave on a stream.
Then this morning, when I woke up, I felt you there, sleeping peacefully, and I tried to wake you up when this thought came up to my mind.
I would really blindly belief to anything you tell me because I love you with my heart, not eyes.. This love has no eyes. And that is why you need to be there to make up all of the senses.
Be there, as long as you can keep up with me.
At that time, I really wanted to reply you with anything smart and hurtful and true. But in the state of sleepiness and little bit upset, I couldn't find anything to say.. I just let it went by. It slipped like a withered leave on a stream.
Then this morning, when I woke up, I felt you there, sleeping peacefully, and I tried to wake you up when this thought came up to my mind.
I would really blindly belief to anything you tell me because I love you with my heart, not eyes.. This love has no eyes. And that is why you need to be there to make up all of the senses.
Be there, as long as you can keep up with me.
Go Ahead, Make My Day!!
Hi voids..
If I was asked to choose my dad,, first person that have ever been crashed my mind is Clint Eastwood. Why? Because he's the role daddy model I've ever wanted. He's a baddas and never pretend to be the good guy. He pictures that even the protagonist can have the dark side also. Well, all those I said, of course, merely were based on some movies where Eastwood are the actors. What? It is like I don't know him in person right?
Plus, his speech when he took the stage at the Republican National Convention is pretty good. Well at least to me, he pointed out some points that most Americans even the rest of the earth dweller think about PROMISES.
How could a person can be so sincere to put up his or her promises when in fact he obviously want something else..
What a promise anyway if you can't handle it and want to jump for another one. Bigger one!
I'm not good with politics and I don't want to be good about it because it is very dirty and I would like prefer being a modest liberal, but I can tell politics is about selling shits.
The more you shit out about it, the more you will get the attention. Well, just like my old man Clint Eastwood said, though politics is indeed full of shits, but we can't be just ignorant. We have to share out our thoughts. We have to contribute in deciding in our future.
I'm saying this because I'm full of regret due to my silence. I was not brave enough to shout out my will so I'm ended up in a ditch. But you know what, I'm struggling here.. so..
If I was asked to choose my dad,, first person that have ever been crashed my mind is Clint Eastwood. Why? Because he's the role daddy model I've ever wanted. He's a baddas and never pretend to be the good guy. He pictures that even the protagonist can have the dark side also. Well, all those I said, of course, merely were based on some movies where Eastwood are the actors. What? It is like I don't know him in person right?
Plus, his speech when he took the stage at the Republican National Convention is pretty good. Well at least to me, he pointed out some points that most Americans even the rest of the earth dweller think about PROMISES.
How could a person can be so sincere to put up his or her promises when in fact he obviously want something else..
What a promise anyway if you can't handle it and want to jump for another one. Bigger one!
I'm not good with politics and I don't want to be good about it because it is very dirty and I would like prefer being a modest liberal, but I can tell politics is about selling shits.
The more you shit out about it, the more you will get the attention. Well, just like my old man Clint Eastwood said, though politics is indeed full of shits, but we can't be just ignorant. We have to share out our thoughts. We have to contribute in deciding in our future.
I'm saying this because I'm full of regret due to my silence. I was not brave enough to shout out my will so I'm ended up in a ditch. But you know what, I'm struggling here.. so..
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Go ahead! Make my day! |
Seven Effing Months
Hi voids..
It has been almost seven months I'm here. Being this far, I can sum up my life living here:
mood: suicidal
friends: zero
love life: far from reach
career: not going anywhere
soundtrack: how to disappear completely by Radiohead
It has been almost seven months I'm here. Being this far, I can sum up my life living here:
mood: suicidal
friends: zero
love life: far from reach
career: not going anywhere
soundtrack: how to disappear completely by Radiohead
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