Life is Unfair and So What?

I realize, more problems will arise when I see life from "UNFAIR" perspective.  When I see myself as a victim, I become caught in a circumstance that brings me nowhere. 
As a human, my natural response to negative situations is anger.  Of course,  I have to direct that anger toward someone or something.  And I realize tonight, when I direct anger toward others, then offenses follow, and then guilt and then depression.

And I feel bad, therefore, I try to find things to compensate for my bad feelings.  Addictions.

I try to bury myself, often to cover negative feelings that arise out of thought of feeling that life is unfair. And luckily, music is my sweet escape. God, help meeee!!

LOOK OUT LOOK OUT

Once I had a dream to travel the world..
Now the chance spread ahead of me, but at some point, I'm afraid to grab that.
What should I do?
Am I tangled in my own comfort web?
I've talked to many people, they give no help, only prep talks and me-centered-stories repeated again and again like those old songs on the broken radio.
What will I be? How will I be?
Who should I believe?

It's not fair!
Why me?

What about my mom? My family?
I feel like talking to the walls. Stoned walls with no windows for me to breath.
I'm cornered, with no choice.

I'm fully aware and understand, all happens for a reason.
God will not give me burden that I can't carry.
But to feel miserable and being treated unfair-ly is humane, right?

O, wish I could see where this maze will lead me to.

AND WHAT IS A PROMISE WITHOUT THE INTENTION TO MAKE IT HAPPEN?
Yes, I'm disappointed. But I will wait and see to how far they can bear their debt.
Let's see.

fragile

I have right to express what I feel, just like any other people. I think, it's fine to break down, it's ok to cry. It's ok to be angry. At the end of the day, I'm just a human being with all ups and downs. I don't have to hold my problems everyday.

Np: Five for Fighting-SUPERMAN

Rest in peace, Daddy..

May angesl lead you in

My life isn’t a fairytale. It’s confirmed today when suddenly I realize that I will never have that beautiful wedding with my dad besides me.

He’s gone.

For good.

Even before I’ve ever had a chance to hear the word: I love you from his lips.

Last nite he passed away, and now, I’m sitting here on the train seat,

Alone

Crying for no reasons..

#Beatles song: for no one is on my winamp while I'm writing this, DAMN IT HURTS!!

On my way back to Bandung to meet my mom, to be honest, I don’t know why I run to my mom hearing this news.

My mom is completely okay. I know it from her sound on phone when I called her.

So, it’s all about me.

I told others that I need to make sure about my mom’s condition before I decide to fly to my dad’s grave. But now, I think I’m not doing this for my mom. I retreat from my routine and duty in order to make sure about my own condition.

I need to meet my mom to get a hold on something I can confide in. I need to save myself.

There was wrath.

Apparently, my dad has wound me deep. The scar seems like never can be cured.

Up till a couple minutes ago, I feel anger in my heart and soul because of all what he did to me. As  far as I can remember, I’ve been blaming him for all of the miseries that life bring me. 

He is the cause.

He is the source.

But now I let him go. Go with all of my dark sides.

It’s the whole new start for me. Afterall, I’ve already taken my dad as dead from the day I understand how does it feel to be hurt.

So, to be honest, it gives no different to me.

That is why, I don’t know why I’m crying now.

Maybe I cry for all of those memories that I should have with him. For all of those precious times that we both should’ve spent together.

Now. That chance is over.

And I have no regrets.

Feel so lucky

Every cloud has silver lining. The sun will eventually shining after the heavy storm.

The best part about this is.. I have friends who are always with me. They come to calm me down on each of their own way. Some show the real emphaty and hold me. Let me shed my tears on their shoulders. Some pretend like they don’t care, avoiding physical contacts but checking me all the time through texts.

And some trying to make me laugh. Some just let me silent and sleep.

Oh, I feel so lucky.

My friends out of the train window glass, wait for my train to depart.

 

And goodbye, Daddy.. may angels lead you in.

Stranger In My Own Home

Sudah tiga bulan aku tinggal sendiri.

Di sebuah kamar kosan kecil berukuran 3 kali 4 aku memulai hidup baruku. Berteman dengan orang-orang baru.
Dan kali ini, adalah kepulanganku yang ketiga ke rumah Ibu di Bandung.
Entah bagaimana, tiba-tiba aku merasa asing di rumah ini.
Aku merasa aku seharusnya tak ada di sini.

Semua sudah berubah.

Rumah Ibu terasa sangat bersih dan kamar-kamar jadi terlampau harum. Barang-barang bebas debu dan super kilap hingga aku takut kalau-kalau aku meninggalkan bekas jari setiap menyentuhnya.
Hanya dalam waktu tiga bulan, sehari di rumah ini membuatku bosan setengah mati.
Enthalah..

Mungkin aku ini anak yang paling tak berhati.

Tapi sumpah mati aku jemu dengan omelan Ibu pada Lilis, pembantu kami di rumah. Pada bisikan-bisikan serunya soal gosip para tetanggateranyarpadaku.
Aku muak dengan keluhan-keluhan kedua kakakku soal sakit ini itu yangdirasakannya.

Aku JENGAH!!

Ibu, maafkan aku karena JEMU. Aku tahu aku tak tahu malu. Tapi sungguh, hatiku sudah beku.