fragile

I have right to express what I feel, just like any other people. I think, it's fine to break down, it's ok to cry. It's ok to be angry. At the end of the day, I'm just a human being with all ups and downs. I don't have to hold my problems everyday.

Np: Five for Fighting-SUPERMAN

Rest in peace, Daddy..

May angesl lead you in

My life isn’t a fairytale. It’s confirmed today when suddenly I realize that I will never have that beautiful wedding with my dad besides me.

He’s gone.

For good.

Even before I’ve ever had a chance to hear the word: I love you from his lips.

Last nite he passed away, and now, I’m sitting here on the train seat,

Alone

Crying for no reasons..

#Beatles song: for no one is on my winamp while I'm writing this, DAMN IT HURTS!!

On my way back to Bandung to meet my mom, to be honest, I don’t know why I run to my mom hearing this news.

My mom is completely okay. I know it from her sound on phone when I called her.

So, it’s all about me.

I told others that I need to make sure about my mom’s condition before I decide to fly to my dad’s grave. But now, I think I’m not doing this for my mom. I retreat from my routine and duty in order to make sure about my own condition.

I need to meet my mom to get a hold on something I can confide in. I need to save myself.

There was wrath.

Apparently, my dad has wound me deep. The scar seems like never can be cured.

Up till a couple minutes ago, I feel anger in my heart and soul because of all what he did to me. As  far as I can remember, I’ve been blaming him for all of the miseries that life bring me. 

He is the cause.

He is the source.

But now I let him go. Go with all of my dark sides.

It’s the whole new start for me. Afterall, I’ve already taken my dad as dead from the day I understand how does it feel to be hurt.

So, to be honest, it gives no different to me.

That is why, I don’t know why I’m crying now.

Maybe I cry for all of those memories that I should have with him. For all of those precious times that we both should’ve spent together.

Now. That chance is over.

And I have no regrets.

Feel so lucky

Every cloud has silver lining. The sun will eventually shining after the heavy storm.

The best part about this is.. I have friends who are always with me. They come to calm me down on each of their own way. Some show the real emphaty and hold me. Let me shed my tears on their shoulders. Some pretend like they don’t care, avoiding physical contacts but checking me all the time through texts.

And some trying to make me laugh. Some just let me silent and sleep.

Oh, I feel so lucky.

My friends out of the train window glass, wait for my train to depart.

 

And goodbye, Daddy.. may angels lead you in.

New comer: Day One!

Life is full of surprises, be it good surprise or bad surprise, eventually every living human being will stumble upon those surprises.

To me, one of the most memorable surprises in my life happened yesterday. Yeah, yesterday was the big day of my life. One of those days I need to celebrate because that was the day I join the editorial for the first time. More importantly, that was the first day I join the real team work of my life office.

Well, to my surprise, I got assigned to join the tv department. OMG!! Yes, it was tv! One of departments in journalism that I really try to avoid!!

I suddenly felt spineless once I read tge sched papers in my hand. Well, it's not like I was helpless or what, it's just, the image of tv departments created by my friends and me for the whole of our susdape time is enough to ruin my day. In my head, the pictures of me being bullied and bored in that cramped room are flashing around.

But again, I need to stand up tall on my own feet. So, I walked to that damned room. A girl called Dita, a reporter, greeted me. I said I need to meet the manager but unfortunately the manager was in a meeting. I felt relieved yet anxious. Relieved because I thought I could postpone my laborious training time, anxious because I got worried for what I would become if I never met this manager.

So, I decided to go upstairs joining my friends who are in text editorial department. But then I realized, I should come downstairs and wait rather than roaming around uselessly.

So I went downstairs and wait for the manager patiently while I introduced myself to other staff.

Oh, that was the nighmare!!!

They just played me around. They thought it was funny to play the new comer, their jokes are cheesy but I still had to smile from ear to ear to appreciate.. Whatever! But at least, it could be a good ice breaker. Thanks for all of you guys!!!

And today.. Is going to be another challenge for me. I need to attend at 8.30 while all of my friends at 10. So, I need to be super independet.

Ya Allah, tolong saya... Mudahkanlah semua urusanku hari ini. Ameeen.

Wake me up when September ends

Photo by: Mari Z on Flickr

Dear babyblue..

Last night is the last tears I shed for you. No, it turns out to be a couple minutes ago. And now while I'm writing.

I'm done. I really want to move on. I'm tired ofliving in your shadow. So, let it be my last mourning day for you babyblue, because I love you so true. Whatever.

I'll abuse myself with these songs and I'll get over you for sure.

I know, this September will be so tough for me, and so with the people I might meet later on. But I'm sure I can cope with this because I'm strong, or so my granny told me constantly from birth.

I CAN live happily without you. Afterall, I do better off without you.

So September, please be nice to me and help me healing.


PS: Babyblue.. no thanks for ruining my life..

MODAL MADUL!

Saya tahu saya sudah tidak muda lagi.

Tapi tetap saja saya ingin bergaya.

Ceritanya, saya baru melihat grup geng saya di facebook, lalu, salah seorang reka geng saya memposting video tutorial memakai kerudung ala Hana Tajima Simpson.

Spontan, saya langsung tertarik buat mengunduh dan mencobanya. Bahkan sayapun dengan bangganya menunjukkan video itu pada teman saya: Indriani :D

Lalu, saya, dengan semangat perang badar yang berapi-api mencoba gaya si nona blasteran Jepun-Londo ini, tapi... it went all wrong!

GUA GA BISA!!

Dan inilah hasilnya:

Stranger In My Own Home

Sudah tiga bulan aku tinggal sendiri.

Di sebuah kamar kosan kecil berukuran 3 kali 4 aku memulai hidup baruku. Berteman dengan orang-orang baru.
Dan kali ini, adalah kepulanganku yang ketiga ke rumah Ibu di Bandung.
Entah bagaimana, tiba-tiba aku merasa asing di rumah ini.
Aku merasa aku seharusnya tak ada di sini.

Semua sudah berubah.

Rumah Ibu terasa sangat bersih dan kamar-kamar jadi terlampau harum. Barang-barang bebas debu dan super kilap hingga aku takut kalau-kalau aku meninggalkan bekas jari setiap menyentuhnya.
Hanya dalam waktu tiga bulan, sehari di rumah ini membuatku bosan setengah mati.
Enthalah..

Mungkin aku ini anak yang paling tak berhati.

Tapi sumpah mati aku jemu dengan omelan Ibu pada Lilis, pembantu kami di rumah. Pada bisikan-bisikan serunya soal gosip para tetanggateranyarpadaku.
Aku muak dengan keluhan-keluhan kedua kakakku soal sakit ini itu yangdirasakannya.

Aku JENGAH!!

Ibu, maafkan aku karena JEMU. Aku tahu aku tak tahu malu. Tapi sungguh, hatiku sudah beku.

SOLO CAMP!

Hari Minggu kemarin saya mengikuti acara outbound di suatu tempat di kota Bogor yang dingin. (Mungkin) sama seperti ke15 teman SUSDAPE lainnya, saya sangat antusias mengikuti acara itu.

Acara outbound itu diadakan untuk menyosialisasikan budaya perusahaan pada kami-kami calon pewarta baru.

Acara berlangsung lancar dan seru. Seperti layaknya acara outbound di mana saja, acara outbound kemarin bertujuan untuk membawa kami out of the boundaries. Pada awalnya, outbound terasa sangat membosankan karena kami terlalu lelah setelah perjalanan hampir 3 jam terkunci dalam bangku bus yang sempit. Sementara, coaches –nya tak pernah bisa berhenti menceramahi kami soal motivasi basi.

Selama outbound, kami manut-manut mengikuti hal-hal yang dianggap perlu dalam setiap ajang memotivasi diri seperti melakukan games2 penuh makna, solo camp, dan rafting. Semuanya merupakan yang pertama kalinya bagi saya.

Bagi saya, yang paling berkesan dalam seluruh rangkaian kegiatan itu adalah SOLO CAMP!! Seperti arti terjemahan harfiahnya, Solo Camp adalah kegiatan berkemping sendirian.

Menjelang pukul 1 dini hari, kami ber16 digiring untuk jalan berbaris-baris menggendong ransel besar berisi ponco loreng, matras karet untuk alas tidur, sebatang lilin, korek api, garam halus, sebungkus wafer dan perment mint. Kami juga dibekali sebuah amplop berisi lembar-lembar formulir untuk diisi.

Malam itu, satu persatu peserta dicabut dari barisan dan diperintahkan untuk mengambil posisi di sudut-sudut semak belukar yang gelap. Saya, kebagian sebuah tempat di bawah naungan pohon jati kurus di antara batang pisang. Mengerikan, memang!

Bulu kuduk saya langsung meremang saat membentangkan matras di atas rumput basah yang dingin. Sungguh, rasanya saya ingin buang air besar saking takutnya. Lalu, saya meneguhkan hati dan menebarkan garam secara serampangan sambil komat-kamit membaca doa yang saya sendiri tak tahu betul apa artinya. Saya menyalakan lilin, memakai ponco dan duduk diam, waspada.

Semenit, dua menit, alam begitu sunyi. Hanya ada degup jantung, erangan parau gagak, semilir angin malam, dan bulan sabit pucat yang menggantung di langit kelam. Entah bagaimana, tiba-tiba jiwa saya menjadi tenang. Seolah saya sudah menjadi bagian dari ekosistem semak itu sejak berpuluh tahun lalu.

Saat itu juga saya menyadari, saya sedang direngkuh oleh alam. Oh indahnya!

A LESSON TO LEARN

Dunia itu abu-abu, Sayang. 

Maka pandai-pandailah mengarang. 

Agar puas semua orang.

 

MASQUERADE

Based on the dictionary, the words MASQUARADE can be defined as a NOUN which means: 

a party, dance, or other festive gathering of persons wearing masks and other disguises, and often elegant, historical, or fantastic costumes. 

Why would I need to bring up this word to write here? It is all because I think LIFE IS such a COLOSSAL FESTIVE GATHERING. Yes, life is FUN and gaiety. In our life, we laugh more than cry, no matter what the cause is. 

So as to we can continue to exist in this joviality life, we need to take part in celebrating it, we need to MASQUARADE.

Yes, people are essentially playing pretend in order to survive. We wear masks and other disguises to be accepted by others because of the basic human character that need others' acceptance in order to continue living. 

We always want to please others so they can accept our existence among them. Just imagine how bad it is hurt us to be rejected. Naturally, human can not deal with the rejection. That is why, instead of being rejected and being hurt, we try to negotiate the condition by lowering our standard and sincerely agree to fulfill others expectations over us.

If you ask me, MASQUERADE-ing in life is fine; however, we can not distort the meaning. I mean, to please others by putting on costumes they wish to see on us is tolerable, as long as those costumes do not change who we are or worst, those costumes are used to deceive others.

 In real life, I find people who abuse this MASQUARADE. They exploit their masks and costumes to be able to enter to any group of people.

They change their masks so often in order to acquire their own importance. They even have a heart to hurt others for the sake of their interest. 

Sadly, not all can notice this type of person, only several who are aware. And that is the hardest part, because as the minority, we can not convince others to believe in something that only us who see it.

Ice Cream Solve Everything!

I used to cry on phone to one of my friend in my heartbroken days,, and he suggested me to have an ice cream..

He said ice cream will melt down my emotion, and it did works.

Thanks for you!

Firts Published Report!!

Whaaaa!! My first published news report!! Wickeddd!!! 

So, my first report is finally published and the last hit I checked is 421!! So awesommmeee!! 

Knowing this, the feeling is just a bliss. All of the weariness during the investigation on the spot is all paid only by seeing my name that is typed in a small corner at the end of the article. 

Thanks Rabb for giving me this opportunity to feel this kind of feeling. Being a newbie journalist is not that easy. Especially when I have to interview people. Before this, I've been always shy and can't open a conversation with others especially strangers. But now, with this profession, I'm required to be brave!!

Ok, as long as God with me, nothing's to fear about. This is the link to my published news:

http://www.antaranews.com/berita/257408/ada-asean-corner-di-museum-nasional

Me with one of my correspondent; lovely Lucy from San Fransisco!!!